Random Thoughts at 6 PM (Laptop)

I can see my laptop suffering a very excruciating pain and pretty soon, it’s going to yield to insanity. Funny that I have been writing about system registry for like 3 hours now but never took the time to turn on my CCleaner to wipe off my laptop’s unwanted files. It has been functioning really slow , that I think I am going to get nightmares from signing in to my Windows Live Messenger.

My laptop has been a good friend for some 2 years now when it was carefully handed to me by my sister who happened to own it first. She just decided that they couldn’t be friends anymore after she tossed it to the ground for like 5 times, making it’s LCD screen fall into coma. Yes, the LCD monitor is a vegetable – you can never rise it up without support now, when it used to stand tall all the time like an 11 year old’s penile erection ( Everybody : Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey how did you know about that?). I figured that I was supposed to complain why she’s giving me leftovers but hey, it’s a laptop still. It’s not like I am one of those people who carries it around and order a Venti in Starbucks because they believe it’s the best kind of cool – or perhaps it has something to do with mobility but whatever. Plus, I was euphoric so my brain lagged and was not able to process “demands”. Plus, we have two computer monitors here which were just laying dormant in the stockroom full of Barbie dolls without heads – they started to function finally after our personal all out war with our Pentium II. Plus, i think the word plus is badly overused. Plus, I have been using the word overused since yesterday so the word overused is overused too. Irrelevant.

And my laptop probably thought, “Ahoy, I’m saved! =DD!!” but boy, did it thought wrong. Tenten thought the blocks on the keyboard were legos that she can use to build an imaginary house with letters around it so she mutilated it while I was sleeping. At the moment, there are 8 missing character blocks that are missing (and unidentified because I don’t have the keyboard memorized) , so in order to be able to use it, I had to plug a real keyboard. In one way, it’s convenient because it’s big and soft (or wait..) and the blocks are perfectly embossed to suit your typing needs. But then again, my current keyboard have this weird habit of getting it’s shift key stuck and I end up typing like this : HELLo i fORGOT mY @#RD aRtICLE! sOZ. <- and this makes me feel like a cyborg of some sort which lacks a certain program installed for communication purposes. And a 14 year old with her first time experiencing text messaging.

Yesterday, I started “saving my files” and sending some of them to my email. It was a very annoying process since hotmail only allows 10mb of attaching file capacity. I actually went to the trouble of zipping those files but my 9.81mb just changed to 9.32mb. Still a lot. But I had to move everything (and needs to finish it) to a safe place before my laptop grabs my shirt and let out it’s last gasp – like those people that are dying in movies, but instead of revealing who the real father of the heroine is, my laptop will say something like this :

Laptop : your porn is..your porn is in…

Me : tell me! where is it cause I forgot where I hid it! oh please tell me…!

Laptop : it’s in..it’s in..*dies*

Me : NOOOOOOOO!

(this dialogue doesn’t make sense..it just doesn’t.. ah well.)

But wait.Just for the public’s information (and I swear to my Dad’s grave that I am not lying now), I don’t have any sort of pornography in my laptop. Internet is for porn – why download it when you can watch it streaming? (On a defensive state, I don’t watch it either.)

So basically, my laptop serves as a CPU, however redneck it may seem. I feel like I will have to give it up soon, though. Maybe it has something to do with actually treating it as a real CPU – a.k.a. leaving it on for 2 days at the very least. I guess it’s not happy with it’s 2 hrs. max break and tea time. Sorry q_q.

Sunshine

I like the way the sun fell today. It wasn’t shining like it used to do but the yellowish view of the sky with an impending rain somewhat tells me that the sun is just there , hiding behind the clouds or probably playing poker. Seeing it is futile, for it burns my eyes most of the time when I try to look at it and I absolutely cannot take the risk of having my eyes melted from too much light or heat. It shines down , that’s for sure. It’s as constant as the birds chirping from cable wires , the humid wind and the mess in my room.

It’s one thing that never seems to change , despite the ever – fast changing time. It never changed just to satisfy a shallow clamour from the modern world. I can’t remember how many times it had swept me away and had conferred a distinction on my personality , irrespective of what I lack or what I cannot do. It’s funny how it never fails to do it’s job each time it’s give an opportune time to blast the entire place with it’s incredible heat that most people loathe , specially in this place where I live. People would always say that they prefer rain , for the coldness offers a certain kind of comfort , in one way or another. Despite that though , the sun is not in any way ready to be rubbed out. It will never agree – or submit – to being invisible mereley because it’s outward self , lacking the required drama for contemporary life , gives no indication of what’s going on inside if it indeed , has emotions like we do. If indeed , it has the feeling ever so oftenly associated with it , as of joy and hope. Funny that people tend to push away some things essential and crucial for them to live on with their lives , with a strong conviction for denial and lies , just because it failed to satisfy whatever it is that they think needs to be satisfied. Just because it failed to put some sort of fulfillment in a certain episode of their life , how man seeks solitude in the dark and prefer to be kept that way despite the strong physical rejection of the idea , but with a very strange stand for it nonetheless , emotionally

How many times have I pulled away from the sun and isolated myself completely in the dark with smoke fogging up the entire room , I have forgotten. I don’t know what kind of solace did I ever find in those moments when I voluntarily confined myself , ironically , in seek of freedom. I was afraid that a good thing might alter the balance of my unbalanced life , to such a point that I might lose the very little things I thought I had and that was the part that I did not want to contemplate. Freedom was uncomfortable – no , it was closer to intolerable – to have to admit, even with only a corner of one’s mind that freedom didn’t look quite like it used to. It had a bleak appearance , as if it had lost it’s purpose. I have always robustly refuted the gloomily romantic notion that freedom was just another name for nothing left to lose – but now it didn’t quite feel so robust.

Hence , I settled down to an element – however inorganic to me – that could be definitely be accomodated or so what I really want to believe.

I might have no clue of what I used to comprise my life  , or the lack of it thereof   , but I am glad that I learned something new through the constant bruises and cuts. The freedom I sought had always been mine but , like the people who preferred the rain when there’s sunshine , and the people who preferred sunshine when there’s rain , I stepped on it inadvertently and declined it’s significance for I thought wrong of everything. For I thought it was holding me back from something greater than what was presented to me , despite the naked truth that it’s the greatest – the best thing that I could ever have.

Like the sun that shines , it never moved a step farther though I have exhausted all the effort and options to push it away , with no remorse to whatever it was feeling through those pushings. I realized how utterly painful it was if it had been done to me , how selfish and how wrong it was. No matter how many times I roll down the curtains , or no matter how many times I hide from the world , it will never cease to exist , simply because it is meant to be mine.

The sunshine had always been mine. You have always been my sunshine. I just failed to realize it because the storms tried to teach me a different perspective. I would never assert my significance in the world in any other way ever again – will never make up things , figures in my landscape that could not be realistically summoned into the foreground ever again.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Three Cheers for Five Years

I hate to see it as just another lover’s false alarm , too bad it is. Too bad it was. Jagged truths have made me forget who I am , for I kept on covering the very little ounce of hope left , pretending it to be something as big as my universe where you used to revolve around. When did you stop revolving , I don’t know. You have let me go a long time ago but you were stupid to realize it. You forced me out without being aware of it and now you left me to absorb all the blame , as if I intended things to fall apart this way. I cannot revert it though , it’s cool. To be honest , I am very used to that idea that it pains no more any longer. What will tomorrow be, though? It’s scary for I used to visualize tomorrow with you. I guess you have to do your plans with someone else , if ever you have any. I guess it’s over.

I tried to reach out to you but it was of no use. For the last years of our relationship , I tried to put up and to fill in whatever gap it was that separated us , in high hopes that if I exert more effort into it , things could probably work out , regardless if I will be swallowing my pride or be treated like crap. I didn’t mind it , for I can never deny the good times I had with you. It was a bit painful but at least I wasn’t lonely. One day though , the question of what you really intended to be in my pathetic life came on the rise. It was a very confusing moment , for your words never reflected on your actions. It made me do stupid mistakes , such as trying to run away but I was too scared to try , so I ended up lying , or trying to fall for someone else , but I failed. At the end of the day , I still see you. But then again , you despised me more than you used to and as much as I tried , I guess I found a way to burn the bridge I spent half of my life building. I can never blame you for that.  Have you , by any chance , saw what you did to me , though?

You caused me as much pain as I did to you. It was a stupid way of settling scores for in the end , it was still me who ended up being badly hurt. I have died a long time ago , you have killed me. I wish you knew how painful those times were , when I never seem to exist for your eyes were set on something else. I kept on begging for your attention , trying to start all over again but you were contented on what you were seeing. I took one step closer to the edge everytime your eyes will pierce through mines , emotionless and empty. Then I fell. You looked at me and blamed me for doing so.

I stood in the middle of the hurricane and tried to stand tall until all the dusts have settled down. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. You enjoyed hurting me so much that you are forgetting about what I was to you before. That night – when we stole 5 minutes of our lives’ time and decided to start something good out of something wrong. It was one of the happiest times of my life, really. I thought I made the best decision ever. I thought you felt the same too. You said you were happy that you learned to love unconditionally – but then again , after some years , you began to asked me for so much compensation that I was not able to afford. And then you started to crush my heart more and more everyday.

I stand guilty of whatever it was that I did to break your heart. But please take the time to look at how badly my heart was mutilated as well. I am sorry for all the things I did to you , please know that I tried. I am sorry if I was not as strong as I thought I was. I am sorry if I never made it to the end of the tunnel with you. I am sorry if I wasn’t able to keep all the promises I made. I am sorry if I was too weak to understand you , too stupid to try. I am sorry for ruining your life or whatever that’s left of it. I tried to build something new for it but ended up crushing every step of the ladder that I made for you to reach whatever it is that you wanted. I am sorry , simply for not being the one you wanted me to be.

Pero bahay, sinubukan ko.

Thank you for all the times that you stood up for me. Thank you for all the funniest moments that we spent together. Those nights when we stayed up all night, talking about things. Those nights when we ate like pigs, simply because it’s fun. The movie-marathons , the awesome massages , the cooking competitions. Thank you for teaching me a lot of things about life and reality , for being my bestfriend , boyfriend , husband and everything for a while – for a short while. Thank you for everything.

I have cried too much but my eyes never seem to dry up. But then again , I am trying to get over it , but it’s going to take me a very long while. Too bad that I failed to be your true north. I am sorry and thank you.

Midnight Rains

The rain saddens me.

I lied. I am feeling so much more , and the rain is not to be blamed. I took advantage of it’s innocence and blamed it for the tears in my eyes and the emptiness of my soul. I blamed it for all the horrible things that I have never learned to put behind , the stupid choices , bad body languages , misconceptions , confusions – torments and horrors , when all it ever did was drop from the sky and shower the entire place. Make the streets wet. Bathe the plants. Noise on roofs. And I blamed it.

It’s so pathetic , I am listening to the same song over and over again. As much as I listen to it is as much the pain buries deep , the more I feel the knife pierce through what’s very little left of me. I am dwelling for there is nothing else to do , it’s raining very hard , after all. The scenic view outside tears holes on me , for I don’t know why , but this acute sense of loneliness feels like it’s going to kill me soon. I look at the four corners of my room and found myself standing close to the door , ready to close it again and lock myself up from the rest of the world.

Perhaps there is something wrong with me. Or wait – there is something wrong with me. I can’t figure it out , for my body switches phase everytime – one moment , I am clinically dead , next I’m brain-dead. It is taking me so long to finish this text , I can’t even remember how long have I been staring at this page. Or how many raindrops have passed my eyes. I stare at the window inadvertently , as if the sky is gonna change from it’s grayness to say , blue? I forgot when was my last blue sky. It’s not like it matters , for I can barely notice the difference after all.

Maybe I have laughed too much. Maybe I have exhausted all the effort to be happy that my body is giving up on the thought. I have been trying to define it for some time now , for there were times when I’m like , ‘Oh, this is what happiness is all about’ , the next morning I will wake up and feel like I am lacking something , or missing something. My point of view varies upon the weather. It is very frustrating.

My stupid pursuit is a never-ending goosechase backwards. Yesterday I am fine. Today I am not. I wonder what it’s gonna be tomorrow. I wonder what the weather will be. These are the moments when I just want to erase everything and start all over again , for it pains me too much. It would be so nice. So nice. I am tired of living under the same straightjacket. I am tired of seeing the rain wash away all the courage and hope I have left. I am tired of seeing the rain as something to be feared , instead of something to be thankful for. I am tired of letting myself fall over the same spot , with total blackness enveloping my entire sky.

Me.The rain. The street – the empty street.

I feel so fucking lonely.

The Fire

There was a time when it was all that mattered. I was all that mattered. You were everything. We felt so vindicated after the war subsided. We rejoiced to the fact that we won , but did we , really? The battle that sliced a lot of hearts all seemed worth it. I can’t see that joy in your eyes anymore though , and I wonder if you took the time to look at mines. I would not say you didn’t but I would not say you did either. I can never stare at a blank page and pretend to read something.

I consider myself majorly at fault , but was it all me , though? Just because I wasn’t able to stand looking at ourselves standing adjacently in the same room we first thought we were gonna start forever , just because I had some falling out – or wait – I can never justify those , can I? I have no clue what happened really. You can never lie , I am not a part of you anymore so I am considering you out of mines as well. It is going to be a fair fight , I guess. I had fun comforting you , picking you up – but then again, this is not the right time to be rubbing those. I just wished that there was so much more than this , but I guess it’s a stupid wish to even be fantasizing about.

What you can’t hear , what you can’t see , will , probably , in due time ,make you lose all the belief and faith you once had. I , for one , have seen the horror absence can bring. It is particularly hurtful but then again, not everything lost can be taken back. Not everything erased can be done in exact the same way it was perfectly done once. There was something about me and you that used to separate us from the world , but now , whatever it was that we used to have has already been reduced to a cliche of the pop-culture. It is very sad , when you think about it. I used to see myself spending the rest of my life with you , but have you , seen me in your future? Words are easy to say , it is easy to convince someone by saying something you really didn’t mean. I don’t know if I was a fool for believing that maybe, somehow , it is gonna happen. I am too stupid to believe.

Simply said , I am rather exhausted of the redundancy of such events that I don’t even want to whine about it anymore. I have always known that I am not much of importance to you , except when loneliness takes its toll on you in the middle of a cold , boring night , or if the flesh needs some warmth to battle out the cold. I have done , if not all , at least most of the things that you cater for yourself and not even once have I asked for a compensation for anything that I have offered. True , maybe , there were times when I demanded for something, but it is because I felt like I had to demand already. I have thrown away the very few principles I lived by just to be able to save , whatever it was that I thought was worth saving. I can’t even remember anymore what it was because you were silently asking me to never remember.

I forgot what the first time was like, simply because the hurt piled up and shielded me against the memories.

Regret? No, oh no. I am not regretting anything because I know that it could’ve been so much if only we worked it up , or at least tried. If only I wasn’t so much of a little bitch I was. If only you weren’t such a superficial asshole like you were. If only I left myself some respect. If only you kept your promises. If only I didn’t hope for too much. If only you didn’t make me believe for too much. If only we tried. But neither of us did.

It’s a sad thing to even think about. It breaks my heart.

I am letting go of something I thought I never would. I am moving on from the spot where I have seen myself fall once , just because you said you will be at the pits to catch me if ever I do. I tried to fall a couple of times but I broke my back because you were never there. I don’t know where you went, but you certainly weren’t there. I know the mistakes I have done , my inadequacies and shortcomings and I will never deny that. I failed at this too , and no , I will never wash myself clean because I also tried to put gasoline on this fire. The fire that burned every inch of us , the fire that turned our dreams to ashes. It was once blazing magnificently , giving light and warmth – but now it became an enemy. Neither of us ever thought of extinguishing it.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start. Eventhough I once thought that I was sick of you already , in the end , I still think that you were everything that matters. I don’t know now though. I will never fight for something that doesn’t want to be saved. Now as the pieces fall down to the floor , I see myself crying bitter tears. My whole body shakes , as if I am having an epileptic seizure attack , every finger twitches , my knees tremble , my hair rises. Out of fear , out of sadness and out of dissapointments. I thought I was a good artist  , that I can revert things back to normal with a bit knack for sweet deep metaphors that I use to describe the romance and what-nots , but then again , I fail.

Everything we had are no longer there. I am stupid, but not that stupid. Cut the hypocrisy crap out already.

Later , the emotions will change once again. All I know though , is at the moment , this is what I feel. You will never try to put some sunshine into my gloomy day though, right?