Kahapon

Kahapon tinanong mo ako kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari. Yun na yata ang isa sa pinakamahirap na tanong na naitanong sa akin sa buong buhay ko – higit pa sa trigo, higit pa sa physics. Habang nagdudugo ang ilong ko sa paghanap ng sagot, kasabay nun ang pagdudugo ng utak ko. Kahit na korni, pati na rin siguro ng puso ko. Sinabi ko sayo na kung kaya mong baguhin ang ugali na pinagtalunan natin umpisa’t umpisa pa lang, nandito lang ako at maghihintay na maisip mo iyon.

Walang paglagyan ang sistema ko nung sabihin mo na hindi mo iyon kayang baguhin para sa akin. Pero walang tigil mo pa ring sinasabi na mahal mo ako, at ako na talaga ang gusto mo. Pinilit mong sabihin sa akin iyon sa pinakamagandang paraan, kasabay ng mga pekeng ‘hahaha’. Pinilit ko ding sumagot sa pinakamaayos na paraan, sa paraan na maiintindihan mo, sa paraan na mararamdaman mo na mahal pa rin kita at handa akong bigyan ka ng pagkakataon – pero tinanggihan mo ang pagkakataon na inalok ko dahil ang sabi mo nga, hindi mo kayang baguhin ang sarili mo para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ako nung sinabi mo sa akin na mahal mo ako – naisip ko kasi, kung totoo iyon, hindi ba gagawin mo ang lahat para mapasaya ako?

Hindi ko pwedeng itanggi na nagagalit ako. Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko, sa pagiging hindi ganoon kamapagtiis – kahit na ilang taon ko din pinilit unawain ang lahat. Kulang iyon, alam ko na kulang. Sa likod ng isip ko, alam kong kung ginusto ko ay kaya ko pang habaan ang pasensya ko. Pero natatakot ako na mahuli ang lahat at mapalitan ang pagmamahal ko ng kung anumang ibang emosyon, hindi magandang emosyon at sumabog ako isang araw na maaaring makasugat sayo ng husto. Sana kako, hangga’t maaga pa, pilitin nang itama ang mali at baguhin ang pangit -  yun nga lang, ayaw mo.

Nagagalit ako dahil sa kabila ng lahat ng sinabi mo ay ikaw pa rin ang nakikita ko kahit saan ako lumingon. Nagagalit ako dahil araw araw ay binabalikan ko lahat ng ipinangako mo na inasahan ko, na maituturing kong isa na naman sa isa’t kalahating kagagahan.

Kahapon, nakita ko na binura mo na ang friendster account mo. Nung makita ko iyon, inipon ko ang lahat ng lakas na natitira sa akin at isa-isang pinilit burahin ang mga ala-ala mo -  mga picture na naipon natin sa hinaba haba ng pagsasama. Akala ko ay ganun lang kadaling i click ang delete, pero hindi ko kaya. Nauwi pa din ako sa pag se save ng mga litrato, isa-isa, habang umiiyak. Naisave ko at saka ko binura. Nakakainis. Nakakainis talaga dahil hindi ko matulungan ang sarili ko. Nakakainis ka.

Sabi mo sa akin, na i uninstall mo ang YM at binura ang friendster dahil ayaw mo na akong makausap pero nauwi ka pa din sa pag iinstall ulit ng YM. Natuwa ako, pero wala akong masabi. Wala na akong masabi, wala na akong maisip at wala na akong maramdaman. Siguro nga ay tapos na – binigyan mo na ako ng ultimatum kagabi na hindi na talaga mangyayari na pipilitin mong isaayos ang anumang gusot. Ang sakit, pero hayaan mo na siguro. Siguro nga, matatagalan pa bago ako makahanap ng taong mamahalin ako ng kung paano ko sya minahal – meh, hayaan mo na. Kaya ko ito mag-isa.

Hindi ko alam kung tama bang sabihin ko sa’yo na nandito pa rin ako at maghihintay pero sasabihin ko pa rin. Sana maisip mo, sana mauntog ka na. Kung hindi man, malas lang talaga ako siguro.

Tollgate

Hindi ko naman tinatanggi na masaya ako. Lalong hindi ko tinatanggi na minsan hindi. Kadalasan hindi, pero normal lang yun sa taong mag-isa. Hindi din naman ako naghahanap ng makakasama, pero mas ayos sana kung meron. Siguro, ilang taon na din ang lumipas nun nung naramdaman ko na kaya kong buhatin at itaktak ang mundo ng patiwarik. Eh kasi, andyan ka pa nun ah.

Siguro nga itinulak kita. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan, bakit nung panahon na ako ang tinutulak mo, nakikita ko pa rin ang sarili ko na bumabalik papunta sayo. Parang tanga nga. Eh ang siste kasi, tao din ako, katulad mo, katulad nila – katulad ng kapitbahay mo, katulad ng mga kalaro mo sa mga online games na pinaggugulan mo ng hustong panahon na para bang kapag palagi mong ginawa at pinag ukulan ng atensyon eh makakatuklas ka ng gamot sa Cancer. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam kung ano pa ang gusto mong patunguhan sa buhay mong pag tinignan sa malayo eh parang walang pupuntahan – nagdesisyon na nga ako na isama ka kung saan man ako tatangayin ng pangarap ko. Naisali na kita dahil hindi ko alam kung meron ka ba nun. Maaaring meron, baka hindi ko lang alam. Hindi mo naman kasi nababanggit pero ayos lang yun – bandang huli, wala naman talaga akong alam. Nagpapanggap lang ako para makipagsinungaling sa sarili ko na alam ko talaga lahat.

Siguro nga magaling ka. Dahil hindi ko man lang namalayan na nakapagtayo ka na pala ng napakalaking pader sa pagitan nating dalawa. Aba, akalain mo na kaya kong lampas-lampasan iyon ng hindi ko man lang namamalayan. O siguro, alam ko na naroon iyon, matagal na matagal na. Bago pa man din ako gumawa ng mga kagagahan ko na pinagsisihan ko na. Alam ko na nandun na iyon – kaya nga siguro ako sumubok gumawa ng paraan na tapusin ang sa tingin ko na dapat kong tapusin pero bandang huli, ikaw pa rin ang iniisip ko, na baka sakali naman isang araw paggising ko, ikaw naman ang aalalay sa akin. Makasarili yata ang tawag doon, pero kasi, kahit ilang ulit ko man itanggi sa sarili ko – mahal nga siguro kita, maski ayaw ko na dahil hindi ko naman makita na pinapahalagahan mo iyon. Para akong nagsasalin ng softdrinks sa sahig. Kahit na ilang beses kong itapat ang baso sa bunganga ng bote, patuloy mong inuusog yun para hindi ko mailagay. Tapos sasabihin mo sa akin na napakatanga ko.

“Oversensitive”. Ang arte ko nga yata, pero sa tingin ko, kung magpapalit tayo ng posisyon eh magiging maarte ka na din. Pero hindi ko na siguro babalakin pa yun – hindi naman na kailangan dahil wala na akong kayang baguhin at wala na din naman akong plano. Gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin, kung paano at kelan mo gustong gawin. Pero sana, wag kang magtaka kung isang araw eh sabihin ko sayo na sinaktan mo ako ng husto, higit pa sa sakit na inakala mo na naibigay ko sayo. Sana naman wag mong ikagulat at subukan mong aminin ang mga pagkakamali mo. Hindi ko naman kelanman itinanggi na nagkamali din ako. Ang nakakatawa lang dun, bumawi ako – at kung sasabihin mo sa akin na bumawi ka din, isa lang ang hihilingin ko sayo – tignan mo muna ulit.

Wala akong sinabi na wala akong nakita. Halos 1/4 ng buhay ko ikaw ang kasama ko. Kahit kanino eh ipinagyayabang ko iyon. Para sa akin kasi, basehan yun ng tatag ng bawat isang indibidwal na nakapaloob sa anumang uri ng relasyon – yung panahon, yung tagal. Nasasalamin ang personalidad, sa palagay ko lang. Pero alam mo, naisip ko, lalo na nung kailangan na kailangan kitang makausap tungkol sa mga bagay na ipinagdadasal ko na sana nga eh ikamatay ko na lang – wala pala iyon sa panahon. Madaling sabihin na isang senturya kayong magkasama – pero ang tanong, may nangyari ba? Naging mas mabuti ba syang tao nung makasama ka o kinunsinte mo lang ang unti-unting pagliit ng utak nya? Kasi mahal mo sya diba? Sapat ba na basehan yun para pigilan ang paglawak ng pananaw nya?

Wala akong maisagot sa mga tanong na sinabi ko. Ayaw ko na din sagutin dahil wala namang magbabago kung saka-sakali. Napakalabo ng tyansa na mabasa mo kung anuman ang isinulat ko ngayon. Nakakatawa nga dahil malamang, kung isang kainuman ang nagsabi na mayroon syang isinulat para makita ng lahat sa internet, baka wala pang isang segundo ay nandun ka na at nagtatawa. Pero kung ako ang hihingi ng appreciation para sa ilang mga bagay bagay, mailiit na bagay na alam mong makakapagpasaya sa akin, malamang eh aasa ako sa wala. Pero hayaan mo na.

Ganito naman lagi. Matagal na pero hindi pa rin ako sanay. Siguro kasi ayaw kong masanay – mahirap kasi magpulot ng pira piraso ng pagkatao mo, lalo na kung basag na nga, tinatapakan pa.

Random Thoughts at 6 PM (Laptop)

I can see my laptop suffering a very excruciating pain and pretty soon, it’s going to yield to insanity. Funny that I have been writing about system registry for like 3 hours now but never took the time to turn on my CCleaner to wipe off my laptop’s unwanted files. It has been functioning really slow , that I think I am going to get nightmares from signing in to my Windows Live Messenger.

My laptop has been a good friend for some 2 years now when it was carefully handed to me by my sister who happened to own it first. She just decided that they couldn’t be friends anymore after she tossed it to the ground for like 5 times, making it’s LCD screen fall into coma. Yes, the LCD monitor is a vegetable – you can never rise it up without support now, when it used to stand tall all the time like an 11 year old’s penile erection ( Everybody : Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey how did you know about that?). I figured that I was supposed to complain why she’s giving me leftovers but hey, it’s a laptop still. It’s not like I am one of those people who carries it around and order a Venti in Starbucks because they believe it’s the best kind of cool – or perhaps it has something to do with mobility but whatever. Plus, I was euphoric so my brain lagged and was not able to process “demands”. Plus, we have two computer monitors here which were just laying dormant in the stockroom full of Barbie dolls without heads – they started to function finally after our personal all out war with our Pentium II. Plus, i think the word plus is badly overused. Plus, I have been using the word overused since yesterday so the word overused is overused too. Irrelevant.

And my laptop probably thought, “Ahoy, I’m saved! =DD!!” but boy, did it thought wrong. Tenten thought the blocks on the keyboard were legos that she can use to build an imaginary house with letters around it so she mutilated it while I was sleeping. At the moment, there are 8 missing character blocks that are missing (and unidentified because I don’t have the keyboard memorized) , so in order to be able to use it, I had to plug a real keyboard. In one way, it’s convenient because it’s big and soft (or wait..) and the blocks are perfectly embossed to suit your typing needs. But then again, my current keyboard have this weird habit of getting it’s shift key stuck and I end up typing like this : HELLo i fORGOT mY @#RD aRtICLE! sOZ. <- and this makes me feel like a cyborg of some sort which lacks a certain program installed for communication purposes. And a 14 year old with her first time experiencing text messaging.

Yesterday, I started “saving my files” and sending some of them to my email. It was a very annoying process since hotmail only allows 10mb of attaching file capacity. I actually went to the trouble of zipping those files but my 9.81mb just changed to 9.32mb. Still a lot. But I had to move everything (and needs to finish it) to a safe place before my laptop grabs my shirt and let out it’s last gasp – like those people that are dying in movies, but instead of revealing who the real father of the heroine is, my laptop will say something like this :

Laptop : your porn is..your porn is in…

Me : tell me! where is it cause I forgot where I hid it! oh please tell me…!

Laptop : it’s in..it’s in..*dies*

Me : NOOOOOOOO!

(this dialogue doesn’t make sense..it just doesn’t.. ah well.)

But wait.Just for the public’s information (and I swear to my Dad’s grave that I am not lying now), I don’t have any sort of pornography in my laptop. Internet is for porn – why download it when you can watch it streaming? (On a defensive state, I don’t watch it either.)

So basically, my laptop serves as a CPU, however redneck it may seem. I feel like I will have to give it up soon, though. Maybe it has something to do with actually treating it as a real CPU – a.k.a. leaving it on for 2 days at the very least. I guess it’s not happy with it’s 2 hrs. max break and tea time. Sorry q_q.

Sunshine

I like the way the sun fell today. It wasn’t shining like it used to do but the yellowish view of the sky with an impending rain somewhat tells me that the sun is just there , hiding behind the clouds or probably playing poker. Seeing it is futile, for it burns my eyes most of the time when I try to look at it and I absolutely cannot take the risk of having my eyes melted from too much light or heat. It shines down , that’s for sure. It’s as constant as the birds chirping from cable wires , the humid wind and the mess in my room.

It’s one thing that never seems to change , despite the ever – fast changing time. It never changed just to satisfy a shallow clamour from the modern world. I can’t remember how many times it had swept me away and had conferred a distinction on my personality , irrespective of what I lack or what I cannot do. It’s funny how it never fails to do it’s job each time it’s give an opportune time to blast the entire place with it’s incredible heat that most people loathe , specially in this place where I live. People would always say that they prefer rain , for the coldness offers a certain kind of comfort , in one way or another. Despite that though , the sun is not in any way ready to be rubbed out. It will never agree – or submit – to being invisible mereley because it’s outward self , lacking the required drama for contemporary life , gives no indication of what’s going on inside if it indeed , has emotions like we do. If indeed , it has the feeling ever so oftenly associated with it , as of joy and hope. Funny that people tend to push away some things essential and crucial for them to live on with their lives , with a strong conviction for denial and lies , just because it failed to satisfy whatever it is that they think needs to be satisfied. Just because it failed to put some sort of fulfillment in a certain episode of their life , how man seeks solitude in the dark and prefer to be kept that way despite the strong physical rejection of the idea , but with a very strange stand for it nonetheless , emotionally

How many times have I pulled away from the sun and isolated myself completely in the dark with smoke fogging up the entire room , I have forgotten. I don’t know what kind of solace did I ever find in those moments when I voluntarily confined myself , ironically , in seek of freedom. I was afraid that a good thing might alter the balance of my unbalanced life , to such a point that I might lose the very little things I thought I had and that was the part that I did not want to contemplate. Freedom was uncomfortable – no , it was closer to intolerable – to have to admit, even with only a corner of one’s mind that freedom didn’t look quite like it used to. It had a bleak appearance , as if it had lost it’s purpose. I have always robustly refuted the gloomily romantic notion that freedom was just another name for nothing left to lose – but now it didn’t quite feel so robust.

Hence , I settled down to an element – however inorganic to me – that could be definitely be accomodated or so what I really want to believe.

I might have no clue of what I used to comprise my life  , or the lack of it thereof   , but I am glad that I learned something new through the constant bruises and cuts. The freedom I sought had always been mine but , like the people who preferred the rain when there’s sunshine , and the people who preferred sunshine when there’s rain , I stepped on it inadvertently and declined it’s significance for I thought wrong of everything. For I thought it was holding me back from something greater than what was presented to me , despite the naked truth that it’s the greatest – the best thing that I could ever have.

Like the sun that shines , it never moved a step farther though I have exhausted all the effort and options to push it away , with no remorse to whatever it was feeling through those pushings. I realized how utterly painful it was if it had been done to me , how selfish and how wrong it was. No matter how many times I roll down the curtains , or no matter how many times I hide from the world , it will never cease to exist , simply because it is meant to be mine.

The sunshine had always been mine. You have always been my sunshine. I just failed to realize it because the storms tried to teach me a different perspective. I would never assert my significance in the world in any other way ever again – will never make up things , figures in my landscape that could not be realistically summoned into the foreground ever again.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Three Cheers for Five Years

I hate to see it as just another lover’s false alarm , too bad it is. Too bad it was. Jagged truths have made me forget who I am , for I kept on covering the very little ounce of hope left , pretending it to be something as big as my universe where you used to revolve around. When did you stop revolving , I don’t know. You have let me go a long time ago but you were stupid to realize it. You forced me out without being aware of it and now you left me to absorb all the blame , as if I intended things to fall apart this way. I cannot revert it though , it’s cool. To be honest , I am very used to that idea that it pains no more any longer. What will tomorrow be, though? It’s scary for I used to visualize tomorrow with you. I guess you have to do your plans with someone else , if ever you have any. I guess it’s over.

I tried to reach out to you but it was of no use. For the last years of our relationship , I tried to put up and to fill in whatever gap it was that separated us , in high hopes that if I exert more effort into it , things could probably work out , regardless if I will be swallowing my pride or be treated like crap. I didn’t mind it , for I can never deny the good times I had with you. It was a bit painful but at least I wasn’t lonely. One day though , the question of what you really intended to be in my pathetic life came on the rise. It was a very confusing moment , for your words never reflected on your actions. It made me do stupid mistakes , such as trying to run away but I was too scared to try , so I ended up lying , or trying to fall for someone else , but I failed. At the end of the day , I still see you. But then again , you despised me more than you used to and as much as I tried , I guess I found a way to burn the bridge I spent half of my life building. I can never blame you for that.  Have you , by any chance , saw what you did to me , though?

You caused me as much pain as I did to you. It was a stupid way of settling scores for in the end , it was still me who ended up being badly hurt. I have died a long time ago , you have killed me. I wish you knew how painful those times were , when I never seem to exist for your eyes were set on something else. I kept on begging for your attention , trying to start all over again but you were contented on what you were seeing. I took one step closer to the edge everytime your eyes will pierce through mines , emotionless and empty. Then I fell. You looked at me and blamed me for doing so.

I stood in the middle of the hurricane and tried to stand tall until all the dusts have settled down. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. You enjoyed hurting me so much that you are forgetting about what I was to you before. That night – when we stole 5 minutes of our lives’ time and decided to start something good out of something wrong. It was one of the happiest times of my life, really. I thought I made the best decision ever. I thought you felt the same too. You said you were happy that you learned to love unconditionally – but then again , after some years , you began to asked me for so much compensation that I was not able to afford. And then you started to crush my heart more and more everyday.

I stand guilty of whatever it was that I did to break your heart. But please take the time to look at how badly my heart was mutilated as well. I am sorry for all the things I did to you , please know that I tried. I am sorry if I was not as strong as I thought I was. I am sorry if I never made it to the end of the tunnel with you. I am sorry if I wasn’t able to keep all the promises I made. I am sorry if I was too weak to understand you , too stupid to try. I am sorry for ruining your life or whatever that’s left of it. I tried to build something new for it but ended up crushing every step of the ladder that I made for you to reach whatever it is that you wanted. I am sorry , simply for not being the one you wanted me to be.

Pero bahay, sinubukan ko.

Thank you for all the times that you stood up for me. Thank you for all the funniest moments that we spent together. Those nights when we stayed up all night, talking about things. Those nights when we ate like pigs, simply because it’s fun. The movie-marathons , the awesome massages , the cooking competitions. Thank you for teaching me a lot of things about life and reality , for being my bestfriend , boyfriend , husband and everything for a while – for a short while. Thank you for everything.

I have cried too much but my eyes never seem to dry up. But then again , I am trying to get over it , but it’s going to take me a very long while. Too bad that I failed to be your true north. I am sorry and thank you.