A letter for Mom
Upon my broken chest lays a struggle of dreams that you left. You marched your way out and trust me , I don’t care. You can never turn things around by doing things that look as fake as you , and your so-called supports. You have ended it , thus , never ask the reason behind every slicing stare , or every quiet word. It was already dark and you have managed to make it a little bit more darker , then laugh when I trip. I only breathe because it’s necessary , I move to make stress a little less boring. I pretend I don’t see you , I pretend I never cry over you. My lying prowess might be bad , but your tactics are even more horrible.
I’ve always wondered what I have done so wrong , or what I haven’t done yet. There is nothing in this world that could ever satisfy you. You have always soiled me into the ground and you do a fantastic job. I have forgotten you and all I ask is that you learn to forget me too. Or maybe I am being stupid by asking for such. You have never remembered me , and sometimes I pray that you should’ve just gotten an abortion 20 years ago. Please stop pretending that you care because it’s making me sick. It’s not that hard because you are used to it anyway. You don’t need me back , I don’t need you back. This relationship is pointless , there is no use reconciling.
I used to look up to you but you took all the respect that I have tried to insert to my brain , believing you deserve it , in just a single blow. I am shamelessly gone and I made myself come undone. If it is your conscience that is bugging you , feeling like you are commiting a sin neglecting your responsibility , don’t even bother because I don’t care. I don’t want your money. Or your house. Or anything that has to do with you.
You failed. At least for me , you did. Not for your son , of course. It’s only you and him anyways , and no , don’t get me wrong. Goodluck to you two and I hope you both have a nice life. It’s over now , it’s too late. Of all the people on earth , why you? But then again , asking such questions is pointless. You said them and you meant them.
I don’t want to hear your voice , or even just see you. I can’t even look at you and see the person that you have become. It grosses me out. You don’t deserve what I have to offer – you don’t want it anyways , or so you said. Who knows, you could be lying – you always do.
You marked your name and I can see that it’s not on me. I have been hurt by you enough and each time I will try to recall all the things ,the bad things that YOU think I did to you ,it’s not even half of what you did to me. I tried to be a good daughter , God knows I did. I tried to be someone you want , but I guess I just suck big time. I tried to comfort you in all of those moments when nobody believed you , I tried to protect you when they were hurting you , something you never did to me as a Mother. I don’t care about that though , I am very used into not having anyone to protect me , so screw it.
I loved you but it all went to waste – could it be worst?
The lights have died. I am still here though , in case you need some fixing. I will still try , though you can never expect to get what you were getting from me before. No matter how hurt I am , no matter how I cry about the things you did to me almost every night , I still reckon that maybe I can still help so you will never do the things you did to me to other people ever again. You broke my heart , Mom. You broke it so bad.
Tears stream down my face because I know that there is no hope for us to be back to the way we used to be. For all the bad things that I did and you think I did , I am sorry. I was young , I was naive and vulnerable , I didn’t know what I was doing. Know that they were not intentional. I have made bad choices , picked the wrong options , but there’s nothing that I regret. It was all worth it , the wisdom , the experience. I know I learned so much from it. And eventhough you keep on telling me that I am nothing compared to your son – or to you – I know I am something. I am not going to accuse you of your capabilities and so will I to other people – I will never do to them what you did to me.
It might be too late to change. I’ve tried to be every little thing you wanted because I wanted to make you happy. I want you to be proud of me – or maybe I am not worthy of that , but you could’ve at least helped me be a better person. It’s too late for that now though , my face had hit the ground.
You have taught me to die , Mom. And as if it wasn’t enough for you , you torture me everyday. You can extract all the blood I have left , if that will make you happy. There were moments when I just pray that I can just dissapear because this pain , that I am feeling is unbearable and I have been trying so hard to mask it. I’ve been trying so hard to forget it , but I can’t accept it. I just can’t.
I wish you will win the lottery so you can buy a new daughter. I wish you will get all the nice things in life and I hope you will be happy. Don’t look for me in your life because I have packed my bags and left. Don’t ask me how I am doing , or if I am holding up quite well because you have no right anymore. I removed your rights. I removed you. You hurt me. I don’t want you anymore.
In case you need help , you can ask me – we can be casual individuals. I am not like you after all.
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