The Fire

There was a time when it was all that mattered. I was all that mattered. You were everything. We felt so vindicated after the war subsided. We rejoiced to the fact that we won , but did we , really? The battle that sliced a lot of hearts all seemed worth it. I can’t see that joy in your eyes anymore though , and I wonder if you took the time to look at mines. I would not say you didn’t but I would not say you did either. I can never stare at a blank page and pretend to read something.

I consider myself majorly at fault , but was it all me , though? Just because I wasn’t able to stand looking at ourselves standing adjacently in the same room we first thought we were gonna start forever , just because I had some falling out – or wait – I can never justify those , can I? I have no clue what happened really. You can never lie , I am not a part of you anymore so I am considering you out of mines as well. It is going to be a fair fight , I guess. I had fun comforting you , picking you up – but then again, this is not the right time to be rubbing those. I just wished that there was so much more than this , but I guess it’s a stupid wish to even be fantasizing about.

What you can’t hear , what you can’t see , will , probably , in due time ,make you lose all the belief and faith you once had. I , for one , have seen the horror absence can bring. It is particularly hurtful but then again, not everything lost can be taken back. Not everything erased can be done in exact the same way it was perfectly done once. There was something about me and you that used to separate us from the world , but now , whatever it was that we used to have has already been reduced to a cliche of the pop-culture. It is very sad , when you think about it. I used to see myself spending the rest of my life with you , but have you , seen me in your future? Words are easy to say , it is easy to convince someone by saying something you really didn’t mean. I don’t know if I was a fool for believing that maybe, somehow , it is gonna happen. I am too stupid to believe.

Simply said , I am rather exhausted of the redundancy of such events that I don’t even want to whine about it anymore. I have always known that I am not much of importance to you , except when loneliness takes its toll on you in the middle of a cold , boring night , or if the flesh needs some warmth to battle out the cold. I have done , if not all , at least most of the things that you cater for yourself and not even once have I asked for a compensation for anything that I have offered. True , maybe , there were times when I demanded for something, but it is because I felt like I had to demand already. I have thrown away the very few principles I lived by just to be able to save , whatever it was that I thought was worth saving. I can’t even remember anymore what it was because you were silently asking me to never remember.

I forgot what the first time was like, simply because the hurt piled up and shielded me against the memories.

Regret? No, oh no. I am not regretting anything because I know that it could’ve been so much if only we worked it up , or at least tried. If only I wasn’t so much of a little bitch I was. If only you weren’t such a superficial asshole like you were. If only I left myself some respect. If only you kept your promises. If only I didn’t hope for too much. If only you didn’t make me believe for too much. If only we tried. But neither of us did.

It’s a sad thing to even think about. It breaks my heart.

I am letting go of something I thought I never would. I am moving on from the spot where I have seen myself fall once , just because you said you will be at the pits to catch me if ever I do. I tried to fall a couple of times but I broke my back because you were never there. I don’t know where you went, but you certainly weren’t there. I know the mistakes I have done , my inadequacies and shortcomings and I will never deny that. I failed at this too , and no , I will never wash myself clean because I also tried to put gasoline on this fire. The fire that burned every inch of us , the fire that turned our dreams to ashes. It was once blazing magnificently , giving light and warmth – but now it became an enemy. Neither of us ever thought of extinguishing it.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start. Eventhough I once thought that I was sick of you already , in the end , I still think that you were everything that matters. I don’t know now though. I will never fight for something that doesn’t want to be saved. Now as the pieces fall down to the floor , I see myself crying bitter tears. My whole body shakes , as if I am having an epileptic seizure attack , every finger twitches , my knees tremble , my hair rises. Out of fear , out of sadness and out of dissapointments. I thought I was a good artist  , that I can revert things back to normal with a bit knack for sweet deep metaphors that I use to describe the romance and what-nots , but then again , I fail.

Everything we had are no longer there. I am stupid, but not that stupid. Cut the hypocrisy crap out already.

Later , the emotions will change once again. All I know though , is at the moment , this is what I feel. You will never try to put some sunshine into my gloomy day though, right?

~ by tutdekeeeeeeey on September 3, 2009.