Midnight Rains

The rain saddens me.

I lied. I am feeling so much more , and the rain is not to be blamed. I took advantage of it’s innocence and blamed it for the tears in my eyes and the emptiness of my soul. I blamed it for all the horrible things that I have never learned to put behind , the stupid choices , bad body languages , misconceptions , confusions – torments and horrors , when all it ever did was drop from the sky and shower the entire place. Make the streets wet. Bathe the plants. Noise on roofs. And I blamed it.

It’s so pathetic , I am listening to the same song over and over again. As much as I listen to it is as much the pain buries deep , the more I feel the knife pierce through what’s very little left of me. I am dwelling for there is nothing else to do , it’s raining very hard , after all. The scenic view outside tears holes on me , for I don’t know why , but this acute sense of loneliness feels like it’s going to kill me soon. I look at the four corners of my room and found myself standing close to the door , ready to close it again and lock myself up from the rest of the world.

Perhaps there is something wrong with me. Or wait – there is something wrong with me. I can’t figure it out , for my body switches phase everytime – one moment , I am clinically dead , next I’m brain-dead. It is taking me so long to finish this text , I can’t even remember how long have I been staring at this page. Or how many raindrops have passed my eyes. I stare at the window inadvertently , as if the sky is gonna change from it’s grayness to say , blue? I forgot when was my last blue sky. It’s not like it matters , for I can barely notice the difference after all.

Maybe I have laughed too much. Maybe I have exhausted all the effort to be happy that my body is giving up on the thought. I have been trying to define it for some time now , for there were times when I’m like , ‘Oh, this is what happiness is all about’ , the next morning I will wake up and feel like I am lacking something , or missing something. My point of view varies upon the weather. It is very frustrating.

My stupid pursuit is a never-ending goosechase backwards. Yesterday I am fine. Today I am not. I wonder what it’s gonna be tomorrow. I wonder what the weather will be. These are the moments when I just want to erase everything and start all over again , for it pains me too much. It would be so nice. So nice. I am tired of living under the same straightjacket. I am tired of seeing the rain wash away all the courage and hope I have left. I am tired of seeing the rain as something to be feared , instead of something to be thankful for. I am tired of letting myself fall over the same spot , with total blackness enveloping my entire sky.

Me.The rain. The street – the empty street.

I feel so fucking lonely.

~ by tutdekeeeeeeey on September 6, 2009.