Three Cheers for Five Years

I hate to see it as just another lover’s false alarm , too bad it is. Too bad it was. Jagged truths have made me forget who I am , for I kept on covering the very little ounce of hope left , pretending it to be something as big as my universe where you used to revolve around. When did you stop revolving , I don’t know. You have let me go a long time ago but you were stupid to realize it. You forced me out without being aware of it and now you left me to absorb all the blame , as if I intended things to fall apart this way. I cannot revert it though , it’s cool. To be honest , I am very used to that idea that it pains no more any longer. What will tomorrow be, though? It’s scary for I used to visualize tomorrow with you. I guess you have to do your plans with someone else , if ever you have any. I guess it’s over.

I tried to reach out to you but it was of no use. For the last years of our relationship , I tried to put up and to fill in whatever gap it was that separated us , in high hopes that if I exert more effort into it , things could probably work out , regardless if I will be swallowing my pride or be treated like crap. I didn’t mind it , for I can never deny the good times I had with you. It was a bit painful but at least I wasn’t lonely. One day though , the question of what you really intended to be in my pathetic life came on the rise. It was a very confusing moment , for your words never reflected on your actions. It made me do stupid mistakes , such as trying to run away but I was too scared to try , so I ended up lying , or trying to fall for someone else , but I failed. At the end of the day , I still see you. But then again , you despised me more than you used to and as much as I tried , I guess I found a way to burn the bridge I spent half of my life building. I can never blame you for that.  Have you , by any chance , saw what you did to me , though?

You caused me as much pain as I did to you. It was a stupid way of settling scores for in the end , it was still me who ended up being badly hurt. I have died a long time ago , you have killed me. I wish you knew how painful those times were , when I never seem to exist for your eyes were set on something else. I kept on begging for your attention , trying to start all over again but you were contented on what you were seeing. I took one step closer to the edge everytime your eyes will pierce through mines , emotionless and empty. Then I fell. You looked at me and blamed me for doing so.

I stood in the middle of the hurricane and tried to stand tall until all the dusts have settled down. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. You enjoyed hurting me so much that you are forgetting about what I was to you before. That night – when we stole 5 minutes of our lives’ time and decided to start something good out of something wrong. It was one of the happiest times of my life, really. I thought I made the best decision ever. I thought you felt the same too. You said you were happy that you learned to love unconditionally – but then again , after some years , you began to asked me for so much compensation that I was not able to afford. And then you started to crush my heart more and more everyday.

I stand guilty of whatever it was that I did to break your heart. But please take the time to look at how badly my heart was mutilated as well. I am sorry for all the things I did to you , please know that I tried. I am sorry if I was not as strong as I thought I was. I am sorry if I never made it to the end of the tunnel with you. I am sorry if I wasn’t able to keep all the promises I made. I am sorry if I was too weak to understand you , too stupid to try. I am sorry for ruining your life or whatever that’s left of it. I tried to build something new for it but ended up crushing every step of the ladder that I made for you to reach whatever it is that you wanted. I am sorry , simply for not being the one you wanted me to be.

Pero bahay, sinubukan ko.

Thank you for all the times that you stood up for me. Thank you for all the funniest moments that we spent together. Those nights when we stayed up all night, talking about things. Those nights when we ate like pigs, simply because it’s fun. The movie-marathons , the awesome massages , the cooking competitions. Thank you for teaching me a lot of things about life and reality , for being my bestfriend , boyfriend , husband and everything for a while – for a short while. Thank you for everything.

I have cried too much but my eyes never seem to dry up. But then again , I am trying to get over it , but it’s going to take me a very long while. Too bad that I failed to be your true north. I am sorry and thank you.

~ by tutdekeeeeeeey on September 7, 2009.