Sunshine

I like the way the sun fell today. It wasn’t shining like it used to do but the yellowish view of the sky with an impending rain somewhat tells me that the sun is just there , hiding behind the clouds or probably playing poker. Seeing it is futile, for it burns my eyes most of the time when I try to look at it and I absolutely cannot take the risk of having my eyes melted from too much light or heat. It shines down , that’s for sure. It’s as constant as the birds chirping from cable wires , the humid wind and the mess in my room.

It’s one thing that never seems to change , despite the ever – fast changing time. It never changed just to satisfy a shallow clamour from the modern world. I can’t remember how many times it had swept me away and had conferred a distinction on my personality , irrespective of what I lack or what I cannot do. It’s funny how it never fails to do it’s job each time it’s give an opportune time to blast the entire place with it’s incredible heat that most people loathe , specially in this place where I live. People would always say that they prefer rain , for the coldness offers a certain kind of comfort , in one way or another. Despite that though , the sun is not in any way ready to be rubbed out. It will never agree – or submit – to being invisible mereley because it’s outward self , lacking the required drama for contemporary life , gives no indication of what’s going on inside if it indeed , has emotions like we do. If indeed , it has the feeling ever so oftenly associated with it , as of joy and hope. Funny that people tend to push away some things essential and crucial for them to live on with their lives , with a strong conviction for denial and lies , just because it failed to satisfy whatever it is that they think needs to be satisfied. Just because it failed to put some sort of fulfillment in a certain episode of their life , how man seeks solitude in the dark and prefer to be kept that way despite the strong physical rejection of the idea , but with a very strange stand for it nonetheless , emotionally

How many times have I pulled away from the sun and isolated myself completely in the dark with smoke fogging up the entire room , I have forgotten. I don’t know what kind of solace did I ever find in those moments when I voluntarily confined myself , ironically , in seek of freedom. I was afraid that a good thing might alter the balance of my unbalanced life , to such a point that I might lose the very little things I thought I had and that was the part that I did not want to contemplate. Freedom was uncomfortable – no , it was closer to intolerable – to have to admit, even with only a corner of one’s mind that freedom didn’t look quite like it used to. It had a bleak appearance , as if it had lost it’s purpose. I have always robustly refuted the gloomily romantic notion that freedom was just another name for nothing left to lose – but now it didn’t quite feel so robust.

Hence , I settled down to an element – however inorganic to me – that could be definitely be accomodated or so what I really want to believe.

I might have no clue of what I used to comprise my life  , or the lack of it thereof   , but I am glad that I learned something new through the constant bruises and cuts. The freedom I sought had always been mine but , like the people who preferred the rain when there’s sunshine , and the people who preferred sunshine when there’s rain , I stepped on it inadvertently and declined it’s significance for I thought wrong of everything. For I thought it was holding me back from something greater than what was presented to me , despite the naked truth that it’s the greatest – the best thing that I could ever have.

Like the sun that shines , it never moved a step farther though I have exhausted all the effort and options to push it away , with no remorse to whatever it was feeling through those pushings. I realized how utterly painful it was if it had been done to me , how selfish and how wrong it was. No matter how many times I roll down the curtains , or no matter how many times I hide from the world , it will never cease to exist , simply because it is meant to be mine.

The sunshine had always been mine. You have always been my sunshine. I just failed to realize it because the storms tried to teach me a different perspective. I would never assert my significance in the world in any other way ever again – will never make up things , figures in my landscape that could not be realistically summoned into the foreground ever again.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

~ by tutdekeeeeeeey on September 22, 2009.