Blink once, blink twice

I never drink coffee. It makes me hyper and it makes me act different. It’s like redbull in disguise.

I was at a coffee shop today.

Figures of people composed of soft, muted-colored clay peer at me from the outside, their eyes big and seemingly puzzled, when at the back of my mind I know this to be taunting, eyes fraught with accusation – something about failure, something about not letting go. Sometimes, I am staring right back at them, my face only inches away. (This especially freaks me out because the figures crowd the slight opening with their clay faces, their eyes unblinking that we stare…and stare…and stare.) Always, I am stuck and there is nothing I can do.

Failure, in a sense that i have always been weak. Despite all the dramas and actions that i can pretty much associate with low-budget movies , i have always been weak and sad. And the ghosts of Christmas past i cannot overcome.

Oh yes, its Christmas season. Pretty much explains why the ghost is haunting me again.

For some reason, i am always filled with terror – and sadness and pain, despite the fact that i laugh a lot. It frightens me when i realize i am basically alone, eventhough i always try to make myself believe that i am actually not, which is true and i don’t know where i got the feeling that i am alone (if i am making any sense, blink once, if im not, blink twice~).

When friends ask me how i am able to endure all these weight on my shoulders, i just answer: “him.ye dont ask, just ‘him’”.

HIM

I met him when i was a wide-eyed tottery pixelated, graphically enginnered freshman in the game. I hated his guts, simply cause he was (and still is) annoying. And i guess, just seeing his color will make you recognize him among the crowd – it shines like, maybe i can say, like blood. His eyes is barely recognizable but yeah, i don’t know now why i want to say that his eyes is filled with bloodlust, or maybe it’s just my weird opinion.

We eventually became friends and yes, you are right, fell in love. In a strange, mad way. Eventhough there is a low chance that we can really end up together, we still went for it. Why? No clue.

And now i am loving him more than anything else. Although, my nature i cannot elude, i am still scared.

It’s like high school all over again. Some people are just able to disturb you, confound you, and make you love them despite and/or for it. You are under their spell so much that you want to act and think the way you think they would want you to, because surely, their kind of cool is the best kind of cool, and well, you’re a twat. Surely when he snatches the words right out of your mouth just like you would his , it means something. When he says what you were only wanting to say, when he picks up your cues in comedic timing, when you and him are a medley of jumbled ideas that sound wonderfully avant-garde and existential, it means you have pain tendencies – and love tendencies as well – I mean – it must mean something. So i went for it. We did.

“You are my nitroglycerin and my morphine.”

He takes me high. And basically, enables me to live, makes my nerves and my heart function, only with more blood that is. I guess its not coffee that can make me act weird. Perhaps its him.

And all my bitterness and terror all seemed to fly away, back to their barracks, wherever that may be. For once in my life, i am not so scared anymore. Well, yes, still am , of losing him ; or if things dont turn out the way we pined them for – but seriously, who the fuck cares? As far as i know, we are doing our best. And if this is not called best, then i don’t know what term would best describe this.

With so much things going on in my life at the moment, i learned one thing – and i only realized this, back at the coffee shop – back at those clay faces ; this is a metamorphosis that i need to overcome – and he will be here to watch me become a butterfly, no matter how cheesy it may sound to you.

I am sad and terrified, and I have hope. His hand is greater than my sadness, stronger than my terror, overcoming me whole. Completely.

~thank you.i love you.~