Dismal

Old pictures and memories enveloped the room as he entered it with such dismay. The ladies in the picture are pretty , indeed. They have warm eyes and soft smiles – and as he marvels through his existence, he found himself sitting in a corner, holding a glass of liquor as he always do everytime he gets home from the Casino.

He looks in the mirror and saw a beast, a sad and hungry monster. He got terrified by his own reflection, crashed the mirror into pieces and noticed his bleeding hand. He sobbed his face through his bloodsoaked hands and got lost in the moment. He kept on screaming names , he kept on calling them but nobody answered him. All he can hear is his painful sobbing, a release of an excruciating pain he had been carrying.

Looking back on his younger years when all was plain and colorful, he creeped onto flashbacks like an eel on a pool – he tried to grasp them, he tried to get a hold of them but memories will always be memories ; he can never turn them back to life for it was him that made them only a memory anyway. In the end, the dreams he dreams are all he ever were.

He should’ve never told her that he can live without her. He should’ve told her how he really felt and what he felt. He should’ve listened when she was trying to explain the consequences of his selfishness. But he was stubborn. He was weakened and he was possessed and obssessed.

And still is. He is obssessed with her memories, with her laughters that he softly recalls every single moment of his life. He is possessed by a demon he wasn’t able to exorcise, nor the others could. He is still stubborn in a way that he never tried to come up to her and apologize when he still had that opportunity. And as people view him as the most successful person in the business industry, he is, in fact a complete failure of the man he could’ve been. A complete and utter failure.

He learned the difference between being alone and lonely. The fact that he is experiencing both all at the same time made him an impulsive drinker and a gambler.He ruined his life after he ruined theirs.

He had thought of buying them – literally giving all he has for them. Apparently, his loneliness successfully made a way to cloud his judgement and his abstract of reasoning. Apparently, his efforts were futile , as how he was oblivious to the fact that money cannot buy love – or companionship, although yes, it can buy company. But how long does a company last after a night out? 24 hours? 2 days? Weeks? Months?

The glamour of his lifestyle is a hazy shade of black – his smiles are fake in front of his corporates, his laughters are fragile and empty. And as he falls to decadence, he poured another jig of whiskey into his glass and sat on a corner, with dried tears covering his face and subconsciously told himself his need for a new mask. For tomorrow, it will be the same old song that will play on his tired radio. He has no choice though but to live with it, for drugs never work as well. It just make things worst, but he still clings to the hope that one day he will see them again. For the meantime, he will take away his eyes and prefer to be blind ; for the reality, that he is alone and lonely performs an impulsive euthanasia inside of him.

He fell asleep, with blood on his hands and a face wet in tears – he woke up, wore his usual suit and went to work. And pretend that he still loves the world after all.