A tale of risk

“For heaven’s sake, where was I when this angel stepped on this earth?”For a moment I thought that “angel” you were referring to was me. Silly me, I was dreaming again in broad daylight. I had to practically slap my face to get back to reality. Heck, what was I thinking? Me, an angel? I’ll have to bet my whole life on it before someone could say to me, “You’re my angel.” It would take a horde of magicians before such wonder could ever be conjured. And again, I have to bet my life on it.

I sat in this open space, under an aged tree, beside you–the most significant human being in the world (for me, at least). People are passing by, friends, lovers, family, relatives, acquaintances and other sort.

You invited me for a walk, remember? Had it occurred to me that we would just be swooning over that ‘angel’ of yours, I would have stayed home to watch Jeepers Creepers. But you knew I could never say ‘no’ to you. Not even if you asked me to jump over a cliff. Yeah, I know that’s stupid enough. I’m starting to lose grip of the ground again. Could someone slap me, please!

Proximity-wise you’re here with me, but your spirit is far somewhere else. Too far for me to even know where or to reach you there. And if ever I was able to trail you down, I doubt it if you would let me enter. You’re such an egotistic crap to do that. I know so! You’ve always been possessive of everything that you liked and owned. Who could forget that never-mess-around-with-my-property attitude! A pretty arrogant mind-set, if you asked me. But it’s innate to you; I can’t do anything about that.

“You just wait my angel. One day you’ll have the greatest privilege to know me.”

Ha! Dream on, scum bug! I thought I was the pesky fantasist here? Why the sudden turn? Well, I guess that would make two of us, huh? Two scum bugs swooning over an unrequited love. It sounds very customary and yet still new to me. Very amusing too! Now you have an idea of what it felt like. To love someone from a distance. Merely not expecting anything but still hoping for something more.

I wanted to laugh at the mere idea but such stir irked me not to be too complacent for I might offend you or something. But what the heck, I need to burst into a big laugh before this amusement passed me by. And so I did. I laughed. And laughed until the idea outdid my ill wit. And for crying out loud, you were so pissed off. Boy, I wished I had a camera so that I could preserve such picture of annoyance. Heck, you look good when you’re pissed.

“Hahaha, very funny! You think being in-love is a joke eh? Wait ‘til you fall in love!”

The wind blew against our direction. It was warm but it brought an undefined chill down my spine. It stiffened me for a while. Why suddenly I felt I was being slapped by a strong enemy entirely caught me unguarded. Was that statement meant for me? Wait ‘til I fall in love? But I have, for crying out load. I have fallen in love! Can’t you see that huh, fellow scum bug?

And no, I never thought of being in love as a funny thing. I never thought of it that way. It did not even occur to me. Not even in my dreams. In fact, I always thought of it as the most scariest, daunting event that could ever happen to someone like me. I was so off-bitten by the idea that I made a deal with myself not to resort to it. But look what happened? I ate my words. And my words ate me whole. Now what’s left of me?

“Have you ever wondered which hurts the most — saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?”

You retorted such words as if you were asking someone else. Was it a question I was bound to answer? For a time, I thought I wasn’t allowed to answer here. I thought I was just here to accompany you and listen to your miseries and heartaches. I thought I was just here to lighten you up, make you smile, make you laugh. Because you knew by heart I could do anything for you… even the impossible. But of course I wouldn’t tell you that. I’ll just make your head sore all the more. You’re head is big enough for two people; I don’t want to add more. But anyway, I’ll answer such question. Hear this out and hear this clear, ok?

“I guess the most important things are the hardest to say. Don’t be afraid to tell people you love them. If you do, they might break your heart… but if you don’t, you might break theirs.”

Boy, was it me speaking there or was it someone else? I almost choked there. For a while I thought there were three of us sitting under that aged tree. (Maybe it was the old willow speaking…)

“ Really? I never thought you could give an answer as good as that! Wow, was I enlightened. But geez, what if my ‘angel’ denied my feelings?”

“ Then let it be! It’s your angel’s big loss not yours!”

“Would you? Would you just let that single person pass you by without a fight? That person was my only chance for happiness, the only person that could make me happy. I wouldn’t give up that person easily, I would have to fight for it. But if fate entails me to let it be, I will. But until then, I’ll have to give it a try.”

Would I? It’s a one-way pass that confronts my whole being. And during such confrontation, one might either surrender or tell lies. The second is the easiest, I suppose. And it’s in this vulnerable stage that I appalled being drag unto the pit of shame, the shame of accepting the truth. Not so much on the shame per se, but the fact that I hardly accept rejection.

The probability of being rejected is higher than the probability of success. It’s a simple arithmetic, an inversely proportional equation, if one variable goes up, the other has to go down. As for my pathetic case, I’ll lose a lot more than what I’ll gain. Some people are physically challenged but most are emotionally incapacitated (count me in). I was never armed with the right skill on how to handle rejection. One will have to be strong enough to accept the truth. And for that, one needs loads of security and guts!

And once again, the wind blew in our direction. The same chill filled me but this time a voice came with it, “Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had.”

But I have only jumped streams and rivers. I have never jumped an ocean before. And I’m afraid it will take a while before I could gather all the wits in the world to get my first stride. I feared such vastness would engulf my whole existence that I only have one path to set off —failing!

This may sound pessimistic for some but I knew enough about myself that I can very well conclude of. And I knew well enough where are my strengths and my weaknesses. Unfortunately, my weaknesses lie beyond my own endurance.

Rejection happens everyday and one might get used to it after continually falling. But I did not. I was never used it. Rage falls and it is shrinking me down to my grave. If it is a disease, I must be on my acute stage now.

I want to tell those words to the person beside me. But of course I did not. I don’t want any burden coming. The world has no more room for a scary cat like me. It’s enough that I was in it. So instead of saying my own qualms and cynicism about rejection and the likes, I just ended our conversation and said:

“Why ask me? I have yet to fall in love to know these things, remember?”

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.