life is like..

Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because ‘you never know what you’re going to get’.

These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a ’slow’ movie character as their personal motto, anyway? you might as well quote Ace Ventura. Losers.

Others say that life is like a rose, delicate and beautiful but cursed with thorns.

These people should be wearing black sackcloth and flagellating themselves at an emo concert somewhere. Bunch of overdramatic, weepy, tearjerk jockeys, if you ask me. ‘Beautiful but thorny,’ they say, all misty-eyed. Boo hoo. In my book, ‘beautiful but thorny’ is a stripper wearing a cactus G-string. Or a cheerleader stuck in a briar patch. But ‘life’? No. Wax your poetics elsewhere, Emerson wanna-bes.

Then there are those who say life is like a river, or an ocean, or a lake.

Why? I don’t know — maybe because it’s wet, cold, and full of fish pee. You’d have to ask the treehugging yahoos who say this kind of thing. Sorry, the apparently bedwetting treehugging yahoos — because why else would they be so obsessed with aqueous analogizing? Answer me that, Poseidon pusher.

So what is life like? What’s it really like? Well, I have a few ideas on the matter. And they’ve got to be better than the pap most people spew, right? Don’t answer yet — let’s just see.