of beauty and madness

Mr.Perfect,

i rant about things endlessly, but i am ok. i was okay. if i gave you the illusion that i needed saving, or that i needed more trouble, i’m sorry but i didn’t and i don’t. if i made you think that i was that masochistic and i wanted to have more pain in my life, i’m sorry if i mislead you. i didn’t ask you to come into my life. oh, but you already were. but i never asked you to be in my life in that way. you got yourself into this.

not long ago, you were asking if we should give it a try. we were not getting ourselves into any relationshit, just maybe try to be together and see how things will work out. eventually, i got the hang of it, having you around. you, on the other hand (im guessing), grew tired or got bored with the setup. I said im guessing because though you never told me, i always had this feeling that you did.

it was madness — you and me. sometimes i wonder why i actually dared to try. sometimes i hit myself in the head for letting us get this far. though you were the one who started all this, i can’t put all the blame on you. i knew very well that i could not survive in this setup (or lack thereof) and yet i actually considered going through this.

but i blame you nonetheless. you knew i was weak. you knew i was vulnerable. you knew that i was in ruins and you presented yourself like some knight in shining armor, telling me that maybe, just maybe, life could be better. and i blame myself for actually believing that this was possible. all because i trusted you — because i believed in you, being the person who knew me so well. i assumed that since you have been the dearest to me, you might know and care enough to make my days a little sunnier. apparently, your involvement in a person’s life does not equal your concern for the person — a simple thought that i should already know but disregarded and repressed all the time.

i fell. and in this bottomless pit, i’m trying to hang on to whatever i can just to save myself. the least you could do is help me get out of this. if you think it’s not going to work out between us, then let me out. let go of my hand and let me go. if, by any chance, you think that we could get through this, show me that it is worth hanging on to. but if you cant find a place in your life for me, tell me directly. you can’t hug me and then give me that “i don’t know, im confused” crap the next second. you’re driving me crazy.

Ms.Vulnerable

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i wrote this not because im feeling this way – but because i saw something while i was walking..