Mea culpa

Do i know you? Nope i don’t. I think i do, but no, i don’t.

I might bump you across the street and i won’t even know its you.

Life is so complex. It makes you meet people , make syou fall in love with them, makes you long for them, only in its pleasure of frustrating you. I have a legitimate reason to cry but i realized that i prefer to laugh than to cry for there will be less cleaning to do afterwards.

To put it simply, i miss you.

I miss you, despite the fact that i was just with you a couple of hours ago.Perhaps, because i really wasn’t with you. I was in a fantasy world with you, where dreams come to life and illusions exist. You are my dream and you came to life ; my illusion that existed ; exists ; will exist.

Or..

Maybe i am frustrated? It’s a rhetorical question.

The nights, where all i wanted to do is cuddle up to you and tell you face to face that i love you are the nights where all i do is breakdown and cry. Why? Because this distance is killing me despite of it being silent and vague ; it mocks me from a distance, it crushes me every morning. It makes me think that none of this is real sometimes.

But then I will see you ; hear you ; talk to you – and butterflies in my stomach do their jobs. Suddenly everything is real again, everything is true. Everything became beautiful, even the flies ontop of garbage cans. You walk in and bam, everything becomes translucent.

A euphoria. A shadow that dances with me in the limbo. The life after my death.

It is taking me hours to compose words – i have so much gibberish thoughts and i feel like i have to write them, no matter, however which way i should and i could. I feel this everyday – that i have to do something for you voluntarily, for these gibberish thoughts run through my mind and in my space endlessly and untiringly.

And while i cry while i write, yes i have no idea why i am feeling emotional, i feel like i am breaking into pieces. I am so tired of travelling and running around like a retard only to distract myself from the bitter truth that i can’t be with you. As crazy as it may sound, it is painful and tragic.

Don’t fret though. For sadness could devour me like forest fire, but my mind keeps telling me that I can be happy, that I can be normal; even though my hormones are now going haywire. Why? Cause i need to see you. And touch you for a minute or two.

Just one smile from you can make me love the world again.

Do i know you? No i dont. I think i do, but i dont.

I am in love with a stranger. A stranger with a name. Astranger with warm eyes and a sweet laugh. A stranger i will see soon. And by then, you won’t be a stranger anymore.

I am sorry for being emotional. I have been holding this for quite a while.

Now burn. In pastel heat, in violet haze.

Mea Culpa.