Memento Mori

I knew it but i ignored it, thinking i can get away with it somehow.

Sweet beginnings with bitter endings, i guess life teaches you things in hardest ways possible. In order to gain something you should learn to let go of something , or in most cases, someone with exact same value. More often than not, its not really an exact same value of what you are aiming to gain you should let go – sometimes its even more.

I learned how insane it is to love someone who is actually a mere reflection of what you dream ; true as it seems but far from grasp. Most times, i make myself look like a pathetic loser, actually trying to grasp it only to find out that there is just no way i can. I still kept on trying though, in hopes that a fairy will appear and hear my yearnings. Of course, fairies doesn’t really exist, neither do pixie dusts or peter pan – i still keep a hold of my needle though, in case peter pan comes looking for his shadow.

I suppose fate hits you where it actually hurts. And it will laugh, looking at you crying bitter tears ; or maybe not. One thing is sure though – it will help you help yourself compensate for what you think you’ve lost ; or gain what you think you lack. It will teach you what strength is , or faith , or even love. In my case, it taught me how to love so much – but forced me to let go of it in the end. I know why it did though – perhaps cause it is teaching me how to actually endure pain this time. I have endured a lot, perhaps it is not enough.

At this very moment, i feel like the other half of me is dead. And it will remain like this until i find what i am looking for. Or no, not what im looking for – i actually found it , but can’t hold it. I had it, once upon a time. Eventhough i wasn’t really able to touch it, or look at it, it made me whole, a better person, it made me someone i never thought i could be. Only for a while though. Not every “once upon a time” ends in a “they lived happily ever after” .  Yes it ended, i lost it, technically lost it. I have no idea if i lost it forever – i can’t see the future. I don’t know if somewhere, after this broken road it’s waiting for me.I don’t know anything. I feel blank and fragile and dying. Funny thing is, i can’t die. Not now.Not tomorrow. Not till i see it again – or talk to it again.

Everytime i held a rose, seems like i only deserve the thorns. But yes, those thorns made my cracked flesh tougher than ever. For some reason though , the toughness can’t endure my current pain. Maybe i need more thorns to make it tougher , harder or even numb. I would prefer numbness , for in that case i won’t feel anything at all. And i prefer that.

I knew it was a mistake. But it was the sweetest mistake, the sweetest downfall. The best thing i have ever had. And now my eyes are closed, with never ending tears – i am not sobbing but it falls uncontrollably. It has only been minutes – and i feel like it has ended for ages.

I usually say, that he is the wind beneath my wings. And yes, indeed he is. Eventhough i am not flying, i feel high around him. He is everything..but mine.

These tears won’t stop. And every day will be just another day. Like before i met him.Like my old life. I still wish he heed these words though ; there is only one him. And only one me. And only one him and me.

Dearest,

I guess this is it. I have never considered you a mistake ; or a wrongness in my life. Ironically, it was you who set things straight up for me. It was you who made everything right, despite all the wrongness in it. I will miss you everyday and will never stop thinking about you. All these memories are the only things that will make me go on ; for to be honest, i feel like a walking corpse. Flesh but no soul ; but yes, i must stay strong , i have to be. I just hope you take care of yourself always ; nevermind the people who tries to bring you down ; for you are higher than high.

I love you – and always will.

-ghitte

With my dreams on fire, i burn ; with your pastel memories i go on.